Are You Overly Nice? The Keys to Healthy Giving

Are You Overly Nice?

The Keys to Healthy Giving

By Dr Judith Orloff M. D.

Posted on May 9, 2025

Are you “overly nice” and suffer as a result? What I mean by this is that empaths and many caring people often burn themselves out by over-giving and don’t know when to back off. They mean well. But what’s missing is balance and knowing when to give less and replenish themselves. I’ve known people who’ve sacrificed the last molecule of their being trying to help someone who may not have wanted their help. Or they exhaust themselves by trying to fix others. So to maximize how your giving can heal others and yourself, learn to remain discerning and balanced.

Neuroscience has confirmed numerous ways that healthy giving enhances wellness. For instance, volunteering has been shown to lower stress levels, reduce depression, and lessen your aches and pains. Plus, MRI scans have demonstrated that donating to a worthy cause increases dopamine, the pleasure hormone. Contributing to a community also has been proven to enhance people’s ability to cope with addiction and bereavement.

The desire to give flows naturally from having empathy. You care. You want to help. So you offer your time, your knowledge, and your energy. (For me, time is my most valuable gift.). Perhaps you listen to a coworker going through a tough divorce or you do a load of wash for an ailing neighbor. Maybe you simply smile at a stranger.

It’s a myth that healthy giving is only unconditional or selfless. Healthy giving may also be conditional. Healthy giving comes from your heart but is also about setting boundaries in situations that warrant it and practicing self-care. One form of giving is showing someone appreciation, whether it’s for taking out the trash, filling in for you at work, or writing a moving novel. Appreciation helps people feel validated and to flourish. It can lift you out of a miserable mood so you can think, “Maybe this situation isn’t so bad after all.”

I teach my patients and the UCLA psychiatric residents I supervise, how to give wisely, sometimes a life-or-death concern. It’s a lesson in balancing and conserving energy that many of us overly nice people need to learn. You too can learn to empathize without sacrificing your own well-being. Here are some positive traits of healthy giving.

Traits of Healthy Giving over the Holidays and Beyond

(Source: The Genius of Empathy foreword by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama)

Empathize without feeling drained

Practice random acts of kindness

Set healthy boundaries such as saying a positive “no”

Prioritize self-care, rest, and alone time to replenish energy

Feel nourished by giving

Know your own limits

Accept support

Delegate responsibilities

Allow others the dignity of their own path without interfering

To feel more energized and balanced in your giving, experiment with incorporating these traits into your life. Learning to balance empathy with self-care is a beautiful ongoing healing process.

I’m inspired by the 14th Dalai Lama’s prayer about helping others in the book “Ethics for the New Millennium” in which he seeks to be “a guide for those who have lost their way” and “a bridge for those with rivers to cross.” In our own unique styles, we can do this too.

Judith Orloff

https://drjudithorloff.com/are-you-overly-nice-the-keys-to-healthy-giving/

Who Are the Best Partners for Empaths?

Who Are the Best Partners for Empaths?

By Judith Orloff M. D.

Posted on November 17, 2023

Which type of person makes the ideal match for empaths? It depends on your temperament and needs. You must determine which type (or mixture of types) you prefer and will be most compatible with over time. Each type can be extroverted or introverted.

Type #1. The Intellectual: Intense Thinker

Intellectuals are smart and astute analyzers who are most at home in their mind. They see the world through logic and rational thought. Known for keeping calm during a conflict, they often avoid their emotions, don’t easily trust their gut, and are slow to participate in light-hearted, sensual, or playful activities. Intellectuals can make good partners for certain empaths because their sense of logic compliments and grounds an empath’s emotional intensity.

Tips to Help an Empath Communicate with an Intellectual

• Ask for help. Intellectuals love to solve problems. Be very specific about ways they can assist you with a problem or task.
• Mention only one issue at a time. Intellectuals can get thrown off by too many “unfixable” emotions.
• Regularly communicate. Keeping the lines of communication open with intellectuals allows you to be clearer and more loving with each other.

Type #2. The Empath: Emotional Sponge

Empaths are kind, supportive, and passionate partners. They also tend to feel their own and their spouse’s emotions to an extreme. I am often asked, “Can two empaths have a good relationship?” Yes, definitely. The heart connection is incredible! Because both partners understand each other, they don’t have to explain themselves as much. However, for such a relationship to succeed and remain harmonious, the couple must keep sharing about their mutual needs. Two empaths on overwhelm at the same time can get pretty intense. Such a relationship requires mutual understanding and separate spaces to wind down.

I’ve treated many couples in which both partners are empaths. I’ve taught them how to respect each other’s sensitivities but stay grounded. The positive side is that each person easily appreciates what the other is feeling. The more difficult aspect is defining your own needs and setting boundaries to feel safe and calm. When empaths are triggered, they need a time-out to regroup and decompress. Two empaths who are both upset can aggravate each other’s anxiety. Each partner needs his or her separate quiet space to unwind. Though it is often challenging for two empaths to be in love, over the long term, the relationship can be successful with mutual respect.

Tips to Help Two Empaths Communicate

• Take time apart each day to relax. Calming minibreaks by yourself are restorative. Go for a walk outside or meditate in your room alone. Exhale pent-up emotions such as anxiety or fear so they don’t stay in your body or you project them to your partner.
• Protect your sensitivities. Make a list of your top five most emotionally triggering situations. Then, together, formulate a plan for handling them so you don’t get caught in a panic.
• Meditate together. This helps you to connect spiritually in silence and will strengthen your bond.

Type #3. The Rock: Strong and Silent Type

Consistent, dependable, and stable, they will always be there for you. You can express emotions freely around them. They won’t get alarmed or be critical. You can always count on them, which is reassuring for empaths who love consistency. But Rocks often have a hard time sharing their own feelings. Their empath mates may keep trying to get them to open up but become frustrated with the slow progress. Empaths may feel that Rocks are emotionally shut off, even boring.

Empaths and Rocks can make wonderful partners. They balance each other. Rocks can learn from empaths how to express their passion and emotions more clearly, while empaths can learn grounding from the Rock. Their feet are solid on the earth. It’s not that Rocks don’t have feelings. They just need you to lovingly support them to bring them out.

Tips to Help an Empath Communicate with a Rock

• Express gratitude. Regularly voice appreciation for a Rock’s positive qualities.
• Make an intimacy request. In order to connect more deeply, ask the Rock to express at least one emotion a day such as “I’m delighted,” “I love you,” or I’m feeling anxious.”
• Spend time in nature together. This will let you have a mutual physical activity which will bring you closer to each other in natural settings.

I do best with a partner who is a Rock and a non-empath. My mate, who has some admirable Rock qualities, is grounded and can hear my emotions without getting swept away by them. Being with another empath would feel too overwhelming for me. I also prefer a partner who is quiet and contained, rather than someone who talks a lot and shares his emotional states frequently.

How do you find a compatible partner? Empaths can feel a connection with someone, more with energy than with words. Notice the way you relate to someone’s energy. Ask yourself, does this person’s words match their energy or is something amiss? If you have doubts, go slowly. Do not give your heart to people unless they prove themselves worthy of your love. Keep intuitively tuning in to find out who that person really is.

Judith Orloff

 https://drjudithorloff.com/who-are-the-best-partners-for-empaths/