Showing posts with label gaslighting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gaslighting. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 25, 2025

Sounds Like a Tea Party

Sounds Like a Tea Party

By Digger Barr 

Posted by Sitara on February 25, 2025

 


As a long time dissenter of the American tax system I have heard multiple rationalizations for compliance.
People don’t like being told they have just done something foolish.
They feel justified by turning the finger away from themselves and pointing out why dissent is wrong.

The first obvious response I hear is that one will go to jail.
To which I say, possibly but only if you’re caught lying.
The Irony is lost on most in this scenario.
Liars jailing those calling out the lies.
In addition to that, most tax filers fudge about the numbers they use so by default the whole program has generated a system of lies based upon lies.
And if you haven’t lied, congratulations for trying to be truthful.
You got robbed the most.

The next comment I hear the most is a type of gaslighting.
People point out that I shouldn’t use the roads because our taxes pay for them, therefore I shouldn’t expect to be able to use them.
This comment never surprises me but is always a revelation at how naive we Americans are at where and how our tax system ‘works’..
To respond to this idea directly, one should know that our roads are funded through taxes collected at the gas pump.

Each state varies but my state has one of the highest rates at .494 cents per gallon.
It doesn’t matter how much the actual gasoline cost, the .494 cents will be collected according to volume, by the gallon.
This way the state can get a consistent amount despite the distributor or market rate.
Clever. No percentages here.
At our current gas rate, that comes to about 12% on the dollar that we pay in tax at the pump.
As the petroleum prices go down the tax percentage will actually go up without any legislation at all.

An average fill up of a car takes 10 to 12 gallons of gas.
12 gallons of gas equates to $5.92 in taxes no matter what the current price of gas is.
That is quite a lot when you really look at it.

The tax rate on groceries and services is also amongst the highest here with a combination of state and federal tax at 9.63 %.
The state rate varies from 6.5 % to 8.9% depending on your location and industry but you get the idea.
And then there is the fact that money has already gotten taxed even before you arrived to buy gas and groceries.
Let’s take a look at what a work week earning $500 means.

Currently withholding amounts can hit as much as 37%.
Earned income of $500 calculates out to be $315 take home.
Fill up the car once and you will have about $270 left.
Go get groceries, if you’re frugal enough you can still have $170 bucks plus one bag of groceries.

We haven’t even gotten to the costs of rent, utilities, car payment or clothes, dentist, or the much needed beer at the pub.
Most people are not fairing very well.
Of that paycheck the total taxation so far comes to almost $200.
More than you have left in your pocket for basic survival.

Every time you spend money there is a tax.
This tax is paid with money that has already been taxed.
That money goes into the system to pay another employee that is taxed on that same dollar.
And the cycle begins again.
By the time a single dollar goes into circulation it is taxed beyond its value so many times it boggles the mind.
Does Ponzi scheme come to mind? On steroids!

My disillusionment has also been with where our tax money goes.
Isn’t it supposed to help our infrastructure and social programs?
It is easy to become skeptical when you consider the poor condition our roads are in.
Or the amount of homeless that are on the streets.
The drug use and mental illness rampant on the streets are supposed to have programs that are helping, not making it worse.

Now because of DOGE we are finding out where our tax money has been going.
If you weren’t outraged by the poverty algorithm running within the taxation process already, maybe now you can finally grasp the extent of this deception.
So why is it that so many people are busy preparing their taxes?

Once again I seem to be a dissenter among a disgruntled but loyal tax abiding population.
I am not here to tell people what to do.
Nor would I say you shouldn’t file your taxes. especially if you’re entitled to a refund.
But did you not hear the guy?!
The IRS is a fraudulent organization.
They are crooks and they have invented rules, selling them as laws and taking money from you that has already been taxed for eternity.
At the very least, file for an extension and wait and see what plays out.

I am not opposed to the idea of taxes. Just as I am not opposed to the idea of vaccines.
I am opposed to lies and deceit.
I believe in audits when there has been lack of truth.
Truth in our society seems to have many layers in which it has been hidden.
Vaccines could be a truth. But let’s get down to the base layer of truth on that.
We wouldn’t need them if we were not exposed to toxins disguised as disease to begin with.

The truth has been so buried we have built our lives, our routines, our beliefs stacked high on a hill of quicksand.
Do you recall the cartoons of old that showed a character running out into thin air, only to pause a minute, look down and realize there was nothing holding them up?
Yeah, that’s the ah-ha moment we should be in.

And yet what I am witnessing is people trying so very desperately to continue business as usual.
No one wants us to fall flat. That may be why things in the new administration are happening the way they are.
Nesara is in full swing. Next year this whole scenario will be totally different.

I am considering how one would file taxes this year.
I am wondering if there will be an item line to consider all of the redundant taxes that have already been paid.
Property tax, utilities, food, clothes, and children shouldn’t be allowances.
Perhaps they could be a write off in absolute values.

Anything that is a natural condition of living shouldn’t be taxed or an ‘allowance’.
Aren’t we born into existence as natural and free?
One would think this was the case, but no.
Somehow being born has been monetized by a system that WAS beyond our control.

If we are to continue taking care of our children let’s follow through with the whole of it.
We are going to get this straightened out but it takes all of us.
We need everyone to pause for a minute and really take a look at where truth lies.
Look at your feet. Where have you been standing?
Where is the lie that you have based your reality upon?
It’s there. Not hidden. Disguised, but in plain sight, it’s there.

Find it and then let go of the fear it feeds you.
Be strong. Be courageous.
Stop making it personal.
This takes a community.
We can and will do this together.

I heard dividend, didn’t you?
Digger25

Digger Barr
 

Saturday, August 31, 2024

How to Respond to Gaslighting: 24 Clever Phrases to Disarm a Manipulator

How to Respond to Gaslighting:

24 Clever Phrases to Disarm a Manipulator

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on August 31, 2024
 




Have you ever been told you’re too sensitive, you’re crazy, or you’re imagining things? Does it make you doubt yourself? We all experience misunderstandings from time to time, but if this becomes a pattern of behavior it’s likely someone is gaslighting you.

Gaslighters want you to respond in one of two ways; back down or lose your cool. Either way, they’re in control, but the key to regaining that control is knowing exactly how to respond to gaslighting. Here are my tips.

How to Respond to Gaslighting

Remember, gaslighting is someone’s denial of reality that you yourself have observed. Reality is not subjective. It is the facts of what happened and not subject to interpretation. We may react and have opinions, but facts remain unchanged. Therefore, you do yourself no favors by saying things like:

“That’s not my experience.” or “I don’t remember it that way.”

You’re playing into their narrative. It helps to think of the gaslighter as a child. It makes them much easier to deal with. You wouldn’t indulge a child that was lying or manipulating you. The facts are your weapons. The truth is there. If they want to BS you, call them out directly.

When I deal with gaslighters, I imagine I am a wall. Walls don’t give way and they don’t react. I stick to the facts and don’t get emotional. Gaslighters want to frustrate you. Their plan is to wrong-foot you, because keeping you off-balance causes you to second-guess yourself, which ultimately gives them more control over you.

Here’s how to respond to gaslighting when they use the following manipulating gaslighting phrases.

1. “No one else would put up with you.”

Aren’t you fortunate that this person tolerates you? I used to get this crap all the time from my ex-partner. It’s designed to erode your self-esteem until you believe you’re worthless. Once you hit this rock bottom, they can treat you any way they like.

Your response:
“If I’m that bad, why do you stay?”
“Yeah well, it works both ways, love.”
“There’s the door.”

2. “You’re imagining things.”

Twisting reality helps gaslighters avoid responsibility for their actions. It’s also a way of making you question events.

Your response:
“I have a wonderful imagination, but I don’t imagine facts.”
“Let’s ask someone who was there.”
“OK. Whatever.”
“I won’t waste time debating reality with you. This is your action and here’s the impact.

3. “You’re too sensitive.”

Gaslighters commonly employ this tactic to say something awful and evade consequences. Call them out. If this is an intimate partner, remember, they’re supposed to love you and support you, not ridicule or say nasty things to you. What’s their problem?

Your response:
“What you’ve said (or done) is mean. I’m right to be upset. Don’t do it again.”
“What you think of me is not my problem.”
“You are too insensitive!”
“Whatever you think, this is how I feel.”

4. “I was only joking. God, can’t you take a joke?”

Gaslighters hide thinly veiled criticisms or disparaging remarks under the guise of ‘jokes’, then accuse you of having no sense of humor.

Your response:
“I’ve got a great sense of humor, thanks. I’m dating you, aren’t I?”
“I can take a joke, but that wasn’t funny. Do you want to try again?”
“If it’s so funny, let’s ask my friends what they think.”

5. “You’re just crazy.”

This tactic is used to make you question your sanity. Are you remembering things the way they happened or are you forgetting important details? Of course you’re not.

Your response:
“Crazy like a fox!”
“I’d like to focus on the facts, not your imagination.”
“I’m confident about my sanity, thank you.”
“That’s BS. You know it, I know it, and everyone else knows it. Stop trying to manipulate me.”

6. “I’m telling you this to help you.”

As with mean jokes, gaslighters will use harsh criticism to chip away at your confidence, then justify it saying it’s for your own good.

Your response:
“I didn’t ask for your advice. Please keep your opinions to yourself in the future.”
“I don’t need your approval.”
“Maybe look at your own life before criticizing mine?”

7. “This is all your fault.”

Shifting blame and avoiding responsibility is common among gaslighters. For example, they’ll blame you for their infidelity, claiming if you were more attentive, they wouldn’t have cheated.

Your response:
“Actually, I can’t make you do anything.”
“I won’t accept the blame when you won’t accept responsibility.”
“If I have such control over you, why is the house such a mess?”

How to Respond to Gaslighting When Nothing Works

Manipulators will try any trick in the book to undermine you, and getting under your skin will only encourage them. Whilst the above things will shut down or at least deescalate a gaslighter, they’re not infallible.

If none of the above suggestions work my only advice is to use the Gray Rock method. This is the most effective way if you want to know how to respond to gaslighting. Don’t respond to their mind games, don’t react, don’t engage, just ignore or block them.

Final Thoughts

The problem with manipulators is once you’re aware of being manipulated, the damage to your confidence and self-esteem is already done, potentially leaving you unable to retaliate. Hopefully, the above things to say can help you stand up for yourself against the tirade of lies and putdowns.

References:

Janey Davies
 

 
Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind
Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
 
Copyright © 2012-2024 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.
 

Sunday, July 28, 2024

How Does a Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You? 15 Things to Expect

How Does a Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You? 15 Things to Expect

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on July 28, 2024
 



Narcissists have an over-inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement. They go to extraordinary lengths to protect and preserve this self-image, using any method necessary.

One way a narcissist maintains their coveted image is to control how others see them. By controlling what people think, they create their own narrative in which they are the superstar.

Narcissists need this exclusive audience of one to supply their own needs. So, what happens when narcissists lose this control? How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?

How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?

HG Tudor is the pseudonym of a self-confessed narcissist. He is an expert on the characteristics of narcissists and offers advice on escaping their controlling behavior. Tudor says narcissists have three distinct ways of regaining control over you.

HG Tudor’s Three Assertions of Control They try to control you with manipulation tactics.

They try to control what others think about you with smear campaigns.
They assume control over you by discarding or ghosting you.

Narcissists control you with manipulation

Narcissists may resort to subtle or downright obvious forms of manipulation.

1. Love bombing

When a narcissist senses you becoming distant, they may go to great lengths to reel you back in. They might declare undying love, buy you extravagant gifts, or promise to change their behavior.

2. Gaslighting

Narcissists use gaslighting techniques to make you feel as if you’ve done something wrong to cause them to act the way they did. They distort reality, forcing you to doubt yourself. They are pathological liars that twist past events, causing you to question your recollections.

3. Hoovering

Hoovering is a tactic used by narcissists to keep their victims hooked in a cycle of abusive behavior. When the victim pulls away, the narcissist will plead for forgiveness, promising to change. They hoover you back in, then the toxic behavior starts again.

4. Guilt-tripping

Narcissists know you care for them, and they exploit this weakness of yours by playing the victim. They’ll use any trick in the book, from blaming others for their mistakes to their terrible childhood. Because you are a normal, empathic human being, you get sucked into their pity party.

5. Undermining your confidence

A well-balanced person with positive personality traits won’t fall for a narcissist’s BS. However, even the strongest minds find continued criticism taxing, especially when combined with an air of superiority.

6. Threats of self-harm

If none of the above manipulation tactics work, the narcissist will up their game and escalate their behavior. This might include threats to harm themselves or commit suicide if you don’t return to them. This is a desperate ploy by them to bully you back into the relationship.

Narcissists try to control what others think of you

If a narcissist cannot control what you do, they will move onto trashing the reputation you have with your friends, family and work colleagues.

7. Smear campaigns

Once a narcissist feels you regaining some semblance of power over them, they switch tactics and attack your reputation. They’ll tell outright lies about you to anyone who will listen. They’ll paint you as the crazy person and seek support from your friends and family to turn people against you.

8. Playing the victim

One way a narcissist attacks your reputation is to make out they are the victim and not you. Narcissists garner sympathy for your supposed offensive actions and now you are the bad guy, not them.

9. Isolation tactics

When a narcissist’s smear campaign works, it serves to alienate you from important people in your life. Narcissists are experts in sowing enough seeds of doubt to make your most loyal fan-base question your behavior. They do this so that you have no one to depend on and you must return to them.

10. The Blame Game

Narcissists project their own destructive behavior onto their victim. It’s another one of their twisted mind games. For example, if they are being unreasonable, they’ll accuse you of it; if they are cheating, they’ll say you are being unfaithful. It’s the old switcheroo tactic.

11. Outright sabotage

If the narcissist can’t control you or your friends, they’ll resort to complete and utter destruction of your life as you know it. Anything that brings you joy and happiness is now up for grabs and being threatened. They’ll gossip and badmouth you to anyone who listens.
Narcissists ghost or discard you, which gives them the illusion of control

Narcissists are disillusioned people, so if they can’t control you or what others think of you, they’ll dump you and say it was their decision all along. They do this with the following behavior:

12. Silent treatment

Silent treatment is a well-used tactic by covert narcissists who don’t want to confront their victims. Narcissists swing from extremes so one minute they’re all over you like a rash, the next you don’t hear from them. It’s an effective gaslighting tactic designed to keep you guessing.

13. Make you jealous

Narcissists use anyone and everyone to keep hold of their current supply. This includes new partners or exes. They’ll flaunt this new person in front of you to get a reaction.

14. Stalking behavior

Expect to see your ex-narcissist partner in random places where you are, but don’t expect them to own up to stalking you. After all, it’s embarrassing for them to admit you are affecting them so much.

15. Narcissistic rage

The mask of respectability slips once a narcissist realizes they have lost all control. This leads to narcissistic rage, where they lash out verbally or physically in the most vile and personal way. They’ll use your deepest confidences told to them in the utmost secrecy to shame or embarrass you.


So, how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? If they can’t control you directly, they will try to influence people around you, and if that doesn’t work, they’ll dump you, drop all efforts of controlling behavior and pretend they are the ones in control after all.

How should you deal with a narcissist’s reaction to a loss of control over you?

Narcissists may use one or all three of the above methods of regaining control. It depends on the relationship, whether they are covert or overt narcissists, their coping mechanisms, and their personality.

If you think a narcissist is trying to take back control:
  • Get support from friends and family
  • Set strict boundaries
  • Make yourself the priority
  • Employ the Gray Rock Method of no contact

Final thoughts

Narcissists are parasites that only care about themselves. They’ll do anything to keep their narcissistic supply (you) and they won’t care how their actions affect you. If you have been strong enough to escape their clutches, don’t get sucked back into their distorted world when they try to regain control.

References:

Janey Davies
 

 
Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind
Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
 
Copyright © 2012-2024 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.
 

Tuesday, September 19, 2023

What Is Narcissist Hoovering? 18 Worrying Signs It’s Happening to You

What Is Narcissist Hoovering?

18 Worrying Signs It’s Happening to You 

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on September 19, 2023




Narcissist hoovering describes when a narcissist makes contact after a breakup or an absence. Narcissists contact you, even though the relationship has ended. Make no mistake, this contact doesn’t necessarily mean you’re important to them. In fact, hoovering shows a lack of respect.

When a narcissist hoovers you, it’s because they think you’re an easy target. They believe they can manipulate you and use you again. It’s not because they love you and want you back. A narcissist hoovers to maintain control and power, or because their current supply of attention has ended.

“The best karma a narcissist can receive is actually the weight of your indifference and success after you leave them.” Shahida Arabi

So, how can you spot narcissistic hoovering?

18 Signs of Narcissist Hoovering

1. They reconnect after a long time

The best example of narcissist hoovering is unexpected contact after a period of absence or silent treatment. Out of nowhere, you get a text or call from your ex-partner. It can seem innocuous enough. An innocent text or voicemail asking how you are, what are the kids doing, etc., as if nothing has happened.

This is the narcissist testing your reaction. Will you take the bait and reply? If this doesn’t work, they may have to resort to more serious tactics.

2. They tell you they have changed/had therapy/worked on their issues

Did you experience gaslighting or other manipulative behavior during your relationship? Narcissists use this to manipulate you back into the relationship. They’ll insist and promise they’ve worked on their issues and there’s no reason you guys can’t try again.

Of course, they haven’t. They don’t think they have any issues.

3. They’ll apologize and ask for forgiveness

One common tactic narcissists use when hoovering is the insincere apology. They are so sorry for their actions. They take complete responsibility for how things ended.

This is a joke. Narcissists don’t take responsibility for anything they’ve done wrong. Everyone else is to blame.

4. You are the only one they’ll ever love

Narcissists use love bombing at the start of a relationship to lure you in. But they also use it when the relationship is over to entice you back. They’ll make sweeping declarations of undying love, promising you the earth and more to get you to return to them.

5. The narcissist wants your approval of their new partner

If the narcissist doesn’t get his or her own way, they up the ante to force your attention.

Several forums for narcissist survivors describe the same story. Their ex-partner has moved on with a new partner, however, they ask you to approve of their choice. It’s a seemingly civilized and mature gesture, but it’s designed to upset or provoke jealousy on your part.

6. Using other people to get to you

You may have the courage to block or ignore a narcissist hoovering, but this doesn’t mean they’ll stop. A narcissist will sidestep you and head for your family and friends.

They’ll play the victim to your parents or tell your friends how much they love you and want you back. They will even use your children to get to you.

7. They use fake reasons to contact you

If random texts such as ‘How are you?’ or ‘I was thinking about you’ don’t work, the narcissist will use phony reasons to contact you. They might be random questions like ‘What’s that word you always use for beautiful countryside?’ or ‘There’s a film on Netflix I know you’ll love.’

Remember, this isn’t about you, it’s about them reestablishing contact to manipulate you again.

8. The narcissist pretends nothing has happened

You know the relationship is over; you’ve said so several times. As far as you’re concerned, you’ve moved on. Then your ex-partner shows up at your house or workplace out of the blue as if nothing is wrong. They act as if you’re still friends. This is another gaslighting trick.

9. They become clingy


When a narcissist realizes you are going to end the relationship, they become desperate to hang onto you. As soon as they think their supply is over, they sense this and become clingy and needy. These are desperate attempts to pull you back in.

10. They guilt-trip you

Some narcissist hoovering involves exploiting your weaknesses. If you have a caring nature, the narcissist will use this to keep you in the relationship. They will make themselves the victim and put the responsibility of their care into your hands.

11. They threaten to self-harm or commit suicide

One of the biggest signs of narcissistic hoovering is threats of self-harm. How can you not respond to a text or call from an ex, telling you they’re going to kill themselves? Well, you don’t have to respond to them. Instead, call emergency services if you think they might be in danger.

12. They contact you with nostalgic memories

A narcissist will pull on your heartstrings any way they can to get you back. They may post pictures on your social media of special places you visited together. Or they might re-post a memory with a caption of their sadness at the breakup.

13. They create drama to get your attention

If suicide or self-harm threats don’t work, there are other ways of creating drama to get your attention. If you have children together, they’ll be late or a no-show at pickup time. They fake serious illnesses such as cancer to make you contact them. They post hospital pictures online or leave cryptic messages like,

‘I can’t go on like this anymore.’

14. They make up outrageous allegations about you

A guaranteed way of forcing your response is to make up something so outlandish about you, you must respond. Lies such as ‘I know you slept with my father’ or ‘Why did you steal money from my cousin?’ force you into a corner where you must defend yourself.

15. They use your fear of abandonment

When we invest time and effort into a relationship, it is difficult to let it go. However, if you have abandonment issues from childhood, it is even harder.

Any good manipulator will sense this about you. That’s why many of us stay in abusive relationships, because being alone is worse. The narcissist will play to your fears, telling you they want to look after and protect you. It’s all nonsense of course. They don’t give a toss about you.

16. ‘Why can’t we just be friends?’

It seems innocent enough. Let’s break up on good terms and remain friends. In any other ‘normal’ relationship, I would say this is a civilized way of dealing with ex-partners. But not with a narcissist.

This is an insidious form of narcissist hoovering. They want something from you. You are still useful to them, whether it’s money, accommodation, attention or whatever they need from you.

17. They spread fake gossip about you

If someone started a vicious rumor about you that wasn’t true, you’d confront them, right? And that’s exactly what your narcissist ex is hoping for. They just need an ‘in’. They don’t care whether it’s a negative way in or a positive one.

18. The narcissist contacts you on special anniversaries

The narcissist can use special dates or events as an excuse to contact you. It’s a perfect form of narcissist hoovering and can work well if you don’t understand the manipulation behind it. The following messages help wheedle their way back into your life:

‘Good luck with your exam today.’

‘Happy Birthday for tomorrow. I wanted to be the first to message you.’

‘Thinking of you on the day of your dad’s funeral.’

So, those are the signs, but why do narcissists hoover?

Why Do Narcissists Hoover?



Narcissists hoover because they need constant validation. Inside, they are vacuums, lacking emotion, compassion, personality and empathy. The narcissist relies on others to exist. They need an audience, a supply of attention. It threatens a narcissist when their supply ends.

They resort to any measure necessary to claw back that supply. Narcissists often keep many sources of supply on the go at any one time. It’s a little like how a hyena will stash several carcasses so they can return at their leisure and pick at the meat.
What Narcissistic Hoovering Really Is

Narcissist hoovering is not love. When an ex-narcissist makes contact, they are telling you their current supply isn’t working out and they need you to fill that void. They want their ego stroked and they reckon you’re pretty easy pickings, so they’ve opted for you.

It’s not a compliment, it’s them showing how little they think of you.

How to Stop a Hoovering Narcissist

The only way to stop a hoovering narcissist is to go no contact. Block them, don’t react to anything, ignore their messages/threats/cries for help. Don’t give them any attention and you’ll stop feeding their supply. Think of them as an addict and you are the drug.

“It is the narcissist’s ability to affect you that gives them power over you.”

Final Thoughts

Narcissist hoovering comes in different forms, but it has the same purpose; to reestablish contact. The narcissist wants something from you. Going no contact is how you can stop them repeatedly manipulating you.

References:

Featured image by rawpixel.com on Freepik

Janey Davies



Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind
Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.

Copyright © 2012-2023 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.