How Does a Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You? 15 Things to Expect
By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)
Posted on July 28, 2024
Narcissists have an over-inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement. They go to extraordinary lengths to protect and preserve this self-image, using any method necessary.
One way a narcissist maintains their coveted image is to control how others see them. By controlling what people think, they create their own narrative in which they are the superstar.
Narcissists need this exclusive audience of one to supply their own needs. So, what happens when narcissists lose this control? How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?
How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?
HG Tudor is the pseudonym of a self-confessed narcissist. He is an expert on the characteristics of narcissists and offers advice on escaping their controlling behavior. Tudor says narcissists have three distinct ways of regaining control over you.
HG Tudor’s Three Assertions of Control They try to control you with manipulation tactics.
They try to control what others think about you with smear campaigns.
They assume control over you by discarding or ghosting you.
Narcissists control you with manipulation
Narcissists may resort to subtle or downright obvious forms of manipulation.
1. Love bombing
When a narcissist senses you becoming distant, they may go to great lengths to reel you back in. They might declare undying love, buy you extravagant gifts, or promise to change their behavior.
2. Gaslighting
Narcissists use gaslighting techniques to make you feel as if you’ve done something wrong to cause them to act the way they did. They distort reality, forcing you to doubt yourself. They are pathological liars that twist past events, causing you to question your recollections.
3. Hoovering
Hoovering is a tactic used by narcissists to keep their victims hooked in a cycle of abusive behavior. When the victim pulls away, the narcissist will plead for forgiveness, promising to change. They hoover you back in, then the toxic behavior starts again.
4. Guilt-tripping
Narcissists know you care for them, and they exploit this weakness of yours by playing the victim. They’ll use any trick in the book, from blaming others for their mistakes to their terrible childhood. Because you are a normal, empathic human being, you get sucked into their pity party.
5. Undermining your confidence
A well-balanced person with positive personality traits won’t fall for a narcissist’s BS. However, even the strongest minds find continued criticism taxing, especially when combined with an air of superiority.
6. Threats of self-harm
If none of the above manipulation tactics work, the narcissist will up their game and escalate their behavior. This might include threats to harm themselves or commit suicide if you don’t return to them. This is a desperate ploy by them to bully you back into the relationship.
Narcissists try to control what others think of you
If a narcissist cannot control what you do, they will move onto trashing the reputation you have with your friends, family and work colleagues.
7. Smear campaigns
Once a narcissist feels you regaining some semblance of power over them, they switch tactics and attack your reputation. They’ll tell outright lies about you to anyone who will listen. They’ll paint you as the crazy person and seek support from your friends and family to turn people against you.
8. Playing the victim
One way a narcissist attacks your reputation is to make out they are the victim and not you. Narcissists garner sympathy for your supposed offensive actions and now you are the bad guy, not them.
9. Isolation tactics
When a narcissist’s smear campaign works, it serves to alienate you from important people in your life. Narcissists are experts in sowing enough seeds of doubt to make your most loyal fan-base question your behavior. They do this so that you have no one to depend on and you must return to them.
10. The Blame Game
Narcissists project their own destructive behavior onto their victim. It’s another one of their twisted mind games. For example, if they are being unreasonable, they’ll accuse you of it; if they are cheating, they’ll say you are being unfaithful. It’s the old switcheroo tactic.
11. Outright sabotage
If the narcissist can’t control you or your friends, they’ll resort to complete and utter destruction of your life as you know it. Anything that brings you joy and happiness is now up for grabs and being threatened. They’ll gossip and badmouth you to anyone who listens.
Narcissists ghost or discard you, which gives them the illusion of control
Narcissists are disillusioned people, so if they can’t control you or what others think of you, they’ll dump you and say it was their decision all along. They do this with the following behavior:
12. Silent treatment
Silent treatment is a well-used tactic by covert narcissists who don’t want to confront their victims. Narcissists swing from extremes so one minute they’re all over you like a rash, the next you don’t hear from them. It’s an effective gaslighting tactic designed to keep you guessing.
13. Make you jealous
Narcissists use anyone and everyone to keep hold of their current supply. This includes new partners or exes. They’ll flaunt this new person in front of you to get a reaction.
14. Stalking behavior
Expect to see your ex-narcissist partner in random places where you are, but don’t expect them to own up to stalking you. After all, it’s embarrassing for them to admit you are affecting them so much.
15. Narcissistic rage
The mask of respectability slips once a narcissist realizes they have lost all control. This leads to narcissistic rage, where they lash out verbally or physically in the most vile and personal way. They’ll use your deepest confidences told to them in the utmost secrecy to shame or embarrass you.
So, how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? If they can’t control you directly, they will try to influence people around you, and if that doesn’t work, they’ll dump you, drop all efforts of controlling behavior and pretend they are the ones in control after all.
How should you deal with a narcissist’s reaction to a loss of control over you?
Narcissists may use one or all three of the above methods of regaining control. It depends on the relationship, whether they are covert or overt narcissists, their coping mechanisms, and their personality.
If you think a narcissist is trying to take back control:
- Get support from friends and family
- Set strict boundaries
- Make yourself the priority
- Employ the Gray Rock Method of no contact
Final thoughts
Narcissists are parasites that only care about themselves. They’ll do anything to keep their narcissistic supply (you) and they won’t care how their actions affect you. If you have been strong enough to escape their clutches, don’t get sucked back into their distorted world when they try to regain control.
References:
Janey Davies
Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind
Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
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